


Great

by zeroambi



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: Afterlife fic, M/M, Meta, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-19 13:31:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13705464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeroambi/pseuds/zeroambi
Summary: When he comes to get him from the House of Death Hephaistion is less than pleased with his Alexander.





	Great

**Author's Note:**

> There are already quite a few very dignified and sweet fics about those two meeting again in the afterlife, but mine is, uh, pretty much just a shouting match between the boys about their stupid deaths and the consequences. Don't worry, they make up in the end.

Delighted at the sight of his beloved, Alexander tried to rush into his arms but Hephaistion moved faster, and instead of the sweet embrace he had hoped for ... he got a punch square in the face. "Eight month!? Seriously? Eight month?!" Hephaistion yelled at him, while Alexander was holding his bleeding nose. _Should you bleed when you're dead?_

"I came as fast as I could," he mumbled.

"You think I hit you because you didn't come _fast enough!?"_ Hephaistion was glowering at him. _  
_

Now this was ridiculous. The last and only time Hephaistion and he had fisticuffs that Alexander remembered was when they were still boys, and it had been about something really dumb, like Perdiccas or Ptolemy talking unfavorably about Athens.

"Why did you not just fling yourself onto my funeral pyre you phenomenal drama queen!" Hephaistion was still yelling.

"King." Alexander corrected automatically. _Not like he hadn't thought of that._

"No queen is right I think. Olympia's son indeed." Hephaistion rolled his eyes.

"What by Hades is that supposed to mean?" Alexander demanded rather hurt. "Why are you so mad with me, Hephaistion? Haven't we often talked about how we would follow each other into the underworld ... "

"... but we were talking about gloriously falling on the battlefield, not choking on chicken bones and drinking ourselves to death!" Hephaistion pointed out frustrated.

"You didn't choke," Alexander objected.

"No. Though that might actually have been a bit more dignified than not following doctor's orders." Hephaistion looked embarrassed now.

"And why didn't you? A whole chicken?!" Alexander asked bewildered.

"I was really hungry!" Hephaistion moaned. "The doctor was right, though." He gave Alexander a sharp look. "You had that poor man crucified!?"

Alexander cringed. "Well, I was bit out of it at that point."

"Too bad nobody was there to execute your doctors after your death. Those idiots gave you enough emetics to puke blood!" Hephaistion complained.

Alexander sighed. "What does it matter what finally got me here. The wine, the doctors, or something else, I had already died with you month ago.

"Oh, Alexander." Hephaistion gently put a hand to his face.

"I just couldn't go on without you," Alexander put his hand over his friend's, seeking those beautiful blue eyes with his own.

So, a god, huh?" Hephaistion grinned and raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

Alexander felt himself blush. "I knew you would love that."

"Don't you think that was a tiny little bit over the top?"

"No," Alexander said firmly, "the oracle did, but I don't care." He brought their faces together an whispered: "You have always been my god, my devine hero, my everything."

Now it was Hephaistion's turn to blush. "Flattery will get you anywhere with me, and you know it, but not naming a successor? What were you thinking?"

"Mostly that of all my generals that should have been _you_ , you stupid dead fool," Alexander grumbled. "Besides, I told them the best, I think."

"Yes, that was pure genius." Hephaistion let go of him and crossed his arms. "What do you think is going to happen now?"

Alexander could imagine. "They are going to fight."

"They are going to fight for decades."

"What about the child?"

Hephaistion snorted. "Now that was funny. The moment I drop dead your seed suddenly starts to work."

"Hey now, it has worked before. Remember Brasine? Herakles?" Alexander pointed out.

"Are you sure that one is yours?" Hephaistion asked.

"They say he has my nose."

"So will Roxana's son," Hephaistion said pensive. "She didn't poison me, Alexander."

"I know."

"She wasn't exactly in love with me and even if she didn't have a problem with having Stateira and Parysatis poisoned, I don't think ..."

"What!?" Alexander gaped at his friend.

"You know how this works, my love. She needs to make sure her son is the only one."

"I haven't touched any of them in month." Alexander shook his head. "I gave my ring to Perdiccas," he remembered.

"Perdiccas is a good friend and a capable bodyguard, not really sovereign material though, it turns out."

"That bad?" Alexander asks surprised.

"Ptolemy doesn't even have to kill him and can just wait until his own men do it," Hephaistion explained.

"So Ptolemy takes over?" Alexander asked puzzled.

"No. Ptolemy only ever wanted one thing since Egypt, well, two things, women and Alexandria."

"So who does?"

"The Royality? Cassander."

"Cassander?" Alexander looked at Hephaistion in disbelief. "You're telling me Cassander of all people is turning into a competent conqueror now?"

"No. He just has anybody that could come before him poisoned. Even your son," Hephaistion revealed sadly.

This rendered Alexander speechless. "Because of course he does," he eventually commented.

"There is even some talk that he poisoned you."

"Well, if he did that, it was either gratuitous or brillant at that point," Alexander conceded, burying his face in his hands. "Well, great, just great," he muttered.

"At least there is that."

"Huh?"

"Alexander the Great." Hephaistion said, caressing his face again. "They are going to call you that for millennia."

"Millennia?" Alexander asked excitedly.

"I knew you would love that," Hephaistion laughed.

"Zeus, I've missed you so," Alexander exclaimed and drew his beloved into a long overdue kiss.

 ***

 


End file.
